2018
2018 was a year of changes.
obviously, every year something changes, but that year it truly seemed like a new beginning.
i was happy, finally coming to terms with myself and on a journey of self-discovery, uncertain about my future, but full of ambition, hopeful about my future.
2018 was in many ways difficult and disappointing, but truth be told, very rewarding.
obviously, every year something changes, but that year it truly seemed like a new beginning.
i was happy, finally coming to terms with myself and on a journey of self-discovery, uncertain about my future, but full of ambition, hopeful about my future.
2018 was in many ways difficult and disappointing, but truth be told, very rewarding.
fresh to the adulthood
like once in a while,
at the end of the day
i put a cigarette in my mouth,
it helps me to live,
it helps me to cope,
it helps to figure life out.
like once in a while,
at the end of the day
i have this thought about you:
stronger than cigarettes,
it allows me to
stick to this life, like a glue.
like once in a while
at the end of the day
i check, if you have replied.
it's funny, but those
are exactly the days
i put a cigarette in my mouth.
at the end of the day
i put a cigarette in my mouth,
it helps me to live,
it helps me to cope,
it helps to figure life out.
like once in a while,
at the end of the day
i have this thought about you:
stronger than cigarettes,
it allows me to
stick to this life, like a glue.
like once in a while
at the end of the day
i check, if you have replied.
it's funny, but those
are exactly the days
i put a cigarette in my mouth.
march, 2018
MARCH
I made a wish upon a star,
I also wished upon my lucky cigarette,
But wishes - they don’t get you far
And they are always something you regret.
I wished upon 5-petalled lilac flower,
I wished upon a 4-leaved shamrock clover,
But they will never get me back my lover,
And they won’t change the reason we are over.
I bit my tongue to never make mistakes,
I spat over my shoulder not to jinx,
But everything I had is gone to waste -
My life’s no longer something I can fix.
One time I even tried to pray
To all the gods in all religions...
(that didn’t work)
It was already end of May,
Time flew away, like flock of pigeons.
Another lucky cigarette is all I had -
Another wish I could be crying over later,
I really don’t know why I am this mad
That cigarettes don’t make life better.
I also wished upon my lucky cigarette,
But wishes - they don’t get you far
And they are always something you regret.
I wished upon 5-petalled lilac flower,
I wished upon a 4-leaved shamrock clover,
But they will never get me back my lover,
And they won’t change the reason we are over.
I bit my tongue to never make mistakes,
I spat over my shoulder not to jinx,
But everything I had is gone to waste -
My life’s no longer something I can fix.
One time I even tried to pray
To all the gods in all religions...
(that didn’t work)
It was already end of May,
Time flew away, like flock of pigeons.
Another lucky cigarette is all I had -
Another wish I could be crying over later,
I really don’t know why I am this mad
That cigarettes don’t make life better.
may, 2018
MAY
And I will be just sitting there,
With my legs crossed on your dad's chair.
And nothing makes me smile,
but your lame jokes.
We sit and talk, I hold your hand,
I wouldn't want this night to end…
Sun’s down, wind blows,
and pine-trees slowly rock.
No matter if it's ending soon,
Your eyes for me 'll reflect the moon,
And I will sing along
to going day.
Your eyes reflect the shine of stars,
Those fall around, like passing cars,
And soon I'll also have
to make my way.
With my legs crossed on your dad's chair.
And nothing makes me smile,
but your lame jokes.
We sit and talk, I hold your hand,
I wouldn't want this night to end…
Sun’s down, wind blows,
and pine-trees slowly rock.
No matter if it's ending soon,
Your eyes for me 'll reflect the moon,
And I will sing along
to going day.
Your eyes reflect the shine of stars,
Those fall around, like passing cars,
And soon I'll also have
to make my way.
may, 2018
What is a week as a percentage of a life?
I guess it's nought point
nought nought something
That was enough for me to realise -
Without you this life to me is nothing.
There hasn't been a second of the day
That I had thought of
something else but you.
It's when you meet a person on your way,
But why exactly them you have no clue.
And what’s a day on a scale of a life time?
Not much at all, but it was, well, enough
For us to meet, and now I see you --
It took a day for me to fall in love.
I guess it's nought point
nought nought something
That was enough for me to realise -
Without you this life to me is nothing.
There hasn't been a second of the day
That I had thought of
something else but you.
It's when you meet a person on your way,
But why exactly them you have no clue.
And what’s a day on a scale of a life time?
Not much at all, but it was, well, enough
For us to meet, and now I see you --
It took a day for me to fall in love.
may, 2018
Although she’s only in her teens,
Her face was taken by the sadness,
Her eyes have watched the way her dream
Was slowly turning into madness.
Her hands have held the dearest people,
They've also often let them go.
Her soul's been torn apart and crippled,
She's sure it's all been her own fault.
However, people have been evil,
They spoke too much behind her back,
No wonder, she's no longer feeling,
No wonder, she's a total wreck.
The wind blew lyrics to her ears,
Her hair was flying all around,
But if it wasn't for the tears,
She'd shine the brightest in the crowd.
The smell of cigarettes is temporary,
You can get rid of it like of a nasty thought,
But all her hopes have long ago been buried,
With only person she would miss a lot.
Her face was taken by the sadness,
Her eyes have watched the way her dream
Was slowly turning into madness.
Her hands have held the dearest people,
They've also often let them go.
Her soul's been torn apart and crippled,
She's sure it's all been her own fault.
However, people have been evil,
They spoke too much behind her back,
No wonder, she's no longer feeling,
No wonder, she's a total wreck.
The wind blew lyrics to her ears,
Her hair was flying all around,
But if it wasn't for the tears,
She'd shine the brightest in the crowd.
The smell of cigarettes is temporary,
You can get rid of it like of a nasty thought,
But all her hopes have long ago been buried,
With only person she would miss a lot.
may, 2018
It felt like this was bound to happen.
There you were, in my life again.
You broke the box, which I was trapped in
Since I do not remember when.
I laughed through tears; thought I had faced it:
The fear of forever losing you,
I've done a lot, a lot I've tasted,
But you still took me for a fool.
But in my dreams, I held your hand.
I felt your fingers touch my cheek.
I cried, I sobbed, you were still here -
Right for my eyes, right through my tears.
There you were, in my life again.
You broke the box, which I was trapped in
Since I do not remember when.
I laughed through tears; thought I had faced it:
The fear of forever losing you,
I've done a lot, a lot I've tasted,
But you still took me for a fool.
But in my dreams, I held your hand.
I felt your fingers touch my cheek.
I cried, I sobbed, you were still here -
Right for my eyes, right through my tears.
august, 2018
AUGUST
My life has lost its meaning,
I confess:
I've led myself into this mess
Myself.
Though I should maybe say
I didn't have much of a choice -
All I have loved has been destroyed
With child's memory and dreams for better future.
Against my own belief
I've let it slip,
I have been wrong
About the things which were so right,
Although it's for a better
If you're gone,
Because I doubted you had a better side.
But finally, I breathe the cleaner air,
In spite of being locked in a container.
Uncertainty 'bout who I will become
Has made me think of who I am already.
There is no one controlling from above,
I’m a reflection of my mind,
I am the master of my poisoned future.
My life has lost its meaning,
I confess.
But at this point I am just drunk and
Ready.
I confess:
I've led myself into this mess
Myself.
Though I should maybe say
I didn't have much of a choice -
All I have loved has been destroyed
With child's memory and dreams for better future.
Against my own belief
I've let it slip,
I have been wrong
About the things which were so right,
Although it's for a better
If you're gone,
Because I doubted you had a better side.
But finally, I breathe the cleaner air,
In spite of being locked in a container.
Uncertainty 'bout who I will become
Has made me think of who I am already.
There is no one controlling from above,
I’m a reflection of my mind,
I am the master of my poisoned future.
My life has lost its meaning,
I confess.
But at this point I am just drunk and
Ready.
august, 2018
“do not be sad without a reason”
she whispered gently to my ear.
avoiding life, escaping prison,
forgetting what you meant to me.
remember days, where we would watch
the way the sun goes back to sleep…
i left a note, forgot my watch,
and ran from you, same way you
i closed my eyes just for a minute,
to recollect our first “good bye”.
i’m happy I no longer feel that
i was the one, who made you cry.
but in the silence of the night
i’ll be the one to scream my soul.
and fighting never-ending fight –
i should have stayed when I have
sometimes I look up in the sky,
to see your face made up of stars.
my mother taught me, I should never lie,
that every single lie results in scars.
and you told me, that I should not be sad,
unless there actually is a valid cause.
but I was silent. We left it at that.
the fault that I was sad – was always
july, 2018
used to run from me.
gone.
yours.
JULY
so, i moved, far away and forever,
escaping the city’s gloom.
i wanted since i can remember
to finally have my own room.
it is hard, but i now can let go
of the people who weren’t my friends.
without letting my parents know,
i can face what the future sends.
and whatever i saw in you
i can now replicate in another.
with myself i am finally true,
growing older, smarter, tougher.
and it feels like i finally am
my own independent man.
escaping the city’s gloom.
i wanted since i can remember
to finally have my own room.
it is hard, but i now can let go
of the people who weren’t my friends.
without letting my parents know,
i can face what the future sends.
and whatever i saw in you
i can now replicate in another.
with myself i am finally true,
growing older, smarter, tougher.
and it feels like i finally am
my own independent man.
september, 2018
SEPTEMBER
you stood before me, beautiful and crazy.
you’re Russian Avant-Garde in real life.
i turn illiterate. one word i say: “amazing” –
there’s nothing it can actually describe.
so deep, complex, alienated.
misused, misspelled, misunderstood.
i loved the feeling you created,
i loved your whole, and i loved you.
you lured me in, you kicked me out...
sometimes i couldn’t get a word.
but you knew what this life’s about -
that’s something very few afford.
so, i stopped trying. i was stupid not to,
my abstract clearly wasn’t to your taste.
time passed, i’d hoped, that i forgot you,
a lot of time i wish i didn’t waste.
you’re Russian Avant-Garde in real life.
i turn illiterate. one word i say: “amazing” –
there’s nothing it can actually describe.
so deep, complex, alienated.
misused, misspelled, misunderstood.
i loved the feeling you created,
i loved your whole, and i loved you.
you lured me in, you kicked me out...
sometimes i couldn’t get a word.
but you knew what this life’s about -
that’s something very few afford.
so, i stopped trying. i was stupid not to,
my abstract clearly wasn’t to your taste.
time passed, i’d hoped, that i forgot you,
a lot of time i wish i didn’t waste.
september, 2018
addiction, something so familiar to me.
i felt it since i was a little baby.
attention seeking somehow sets me free,
a smoke would merely calm my cravings.
obsession is so common to my head,
i lose it over every tiny feature.
it does however leave me hurting bad,
i’m, after all, a very tender creature.
and love. the feeling and the state -
disarmament of sorts, a revelation,
emotion triggered by a random trait,
a permanent, insane fixation.
and in my head i mixed them by default.
no difference between three opposing concepts.
i feel them all at once or none at all,
depending on the person at my doorsteps.
like junkie, i’m addicted to your eyes.
it is your smile i am with obsessed.
and your bed is where my love truly lies.
yet to another i my love confessed.
i felt it since i was a little baby.
attention seeking somehow sets me free,
a smoke would merely calm my cravings.
obsession is so common to my head,
i lose it over every tiny feature.
it does however leave me hurting bad,
i’m, after all, a very tender creature.
and love. the feeling and the state -
disarmament of sorts, a revelation,
emotion triggered by a random trait,
a permanent, insane fixation.
and in my head i mixed them by default.
no difference between three opposing concepts.
i feel them all at once or none at all,
depending on the person at my doorsteps.
like junkie, i’m addicted to your eyes.
it is your smile i am with obsessed.
and your bed is where my love truly lies.
yet to another i my love confessed.
october, 2018
OCTOBER
i get depressed and negative sometimes,
i sweep my feelings right under the rug.
some ask if i need help or some advice,
when all i ever needed was a hug.
i smiled so much my cheeks would hurt,
i’d get a stomach ache from laughing very often.
but now i feel like i’m a latin word —
long lost, forgotten, yet, somehow, immortal.
don’t ask me if i need someone to talk to,
nothing to say, in fact i’m rather speechless.
when you have walked what i had walked though,
you’d know that speaking out is showing weakness.
when i am brave enough to scream my truth,
you will be hearing my voice from far away.
for now, please let me live my youth -
let me be happy, drunk and gay.
i sweep my feelings right under the rug.
some ask if i need help or some advice,
when all i ever needed was a hug.
i smiled so much my cheeks would hurt,
i’d get a stomach ache from laughing very often.
but now i feel like i’m a latin word —
long lost, forgotten, yet, somehow, immortal.
don’t ask me if i need someone to talk to,
nothing to say, in fact i’m rather speechless.
when you have walked what i had walked though,
you’d know that speaking out is showing weakness.
when i am brave enough to scream my truth,
you will be hearing my voice from far away.
for now, please let me live my youth -
let me be happy, drunk and gay.
october, 2018
i felt depressed.
no, nothing to worry about,
sometimes it’s healthy to just zone out.
tonight, however,
it was especially hard on me.
it felt like my body was going to explode
in this loud, desperate scream.
i had no one to tell.
no one would have truly understood
what is running through
my head.
so i just did, i stood up and i yelled,
at the top of my lungs —
however weird that actually sounds.
the whole day i spent in my bed.
no food, no cigarettes, just my blanket.
horizontal.
the lowest I’ve hit, if there was ever
a ranking.
and no one, no one to tell.
one step at a time, pushing through.
i am mortal.
i wish i could be kind and forgiving,
but i’m always so hard on myself,
it’s exhausting.
i get depressed, i am a hostage
of my own mind.
so right now i should just keep breathing,
and keep hoping, that someday
everything will in fact
be alright.
no, nothing to worry about,
sometimes it’s healthy to just zone out.
tonight, however,
it was especially hard on me.
it felt like my body was going to explode
in this loud, desperate scream.
i had no one to tell.
no one would have truly understood
what is running through
my head.
so i just did, i stood up and i yelled,
at the top of my lungs —
however weird that actually sounds.
the whole day i spent in my bed.
no food, no cigarettes, just my blanket.
horizontal.
the lowest I’ve hit, if there was ever
a ranking.
and no one, no one to tell.
one step at a time, pushing through.
i am mortal.
i wish i could be kind and forgiving,
but i’m always so hard on myself,
it’s exhausting.
i get depressed, i am a hostage
of my own mind.
so right now i should just keep breathing,
and keep hoping, that someday
everything will in fact
be alright.
october, 2018
I was lonely, so
I kept myself busy.
I mean, I was lying down
Trying not to cry.
Other people make life look
so easy.
But here I was, trying to
Live one day at a time.
I like the wind in my hair,
It reminds me,
That I am alive.
When rain drops cover my face,
And I breath in the freshest air,
It reminds me,
That I can still thrive,
It covers me
With the most colourful
patterned lace.
I was lonely,
So I went for a walk,
Like a blue whale, this cloud
Swam through the bluest ever sky.
The wind tousled my curls and locks.
Like crazy, I started laughing out loud,
Trying not to cry.
I kept myself busy.
I mean, I was lying down
Trying not to cry.
Other people make life look
so easy.
But here I was, trying to
Live one day at a time.
I like the wind in my hair,
It reminds me,
That I am alive.
When rain drops cover my face,
And I breath in the freshest air,
It reminds me,
That I can still thrive,
It covers me
With the most colourful
patterned lace.
I was lonely,
So I went for a walk,
Like a blue whale, this cloud
Swam through the bluest ever sky.
The wind tousled my curls and locks.
Like crazy, I started laughing out loud,
Trying not to cry.
october, 2018
october, 2018
Complexity of human emotion.
I never understood myself,
How am I supposed to get what the others feel?
It recently felt like I was in the middle
Of an ocean.
I was alone in this boat
Scratching the bottom against the coral
reef.
No people around me, nothing in close proximity.
Just my lonely self, salty air and the guiding star.
Somehow, I still felt so close to
infinity,
One step away from
being too far.
And right now, I wish you were
In the same fucking
boat,
Just cruising with me to the edge
Of this weird ridiculous
world.
But my wish — it is too far-fetched,
And my personal nonsense
is not for your tender ears.
I hope I can prevent
these noises
From settling down
In my head.
I never understood myself,
How am I supposed to get what the others feel?
It recently felt like I was in the middle
Of an ocean.
I was alone in this boat
Scratching the bottom against the coral
reef.
No people around me, nothing in close proximity.
Just my lonely self, salty air and the guiding star.
Somehow, I still felt so close to
infinity,
One step away from
being too far.
And right now, I wish you were
In the same fucking
boat,
Just cruising with me to the edge
Of this weird ridiculous
world.
But my wish — it is too far-fetched,
And my personal nonsense
is not for your tender ears.
I hope I can prevent
these noises
From settling down
In my head.
I admit, I liked it, being depressed.
It allowed for some bad ass poetry.
Lately, I wasn’t feeling like myself,
Like the whole world came crushing down on me.
I would scroll my timeline in a hope of finding
Your, as ever kind and such a familiar face.
I never went paragliding,
But I could imagine the feeling’s the same
as when I look at you, and your voice
Would as usual make me feel whole.
I have lately been hearing this dull monotonous noise
Making its way through the cemented wall
I have erected for my emotional safety,
To avoid the risk of falling for you once more.
I gathered all of my feelings and ate them,
Like I already had done once before.
It allowed for some bad ass poetry.
Lately, I wasn’t feeling like myself,
Like the whole world came crushing down on me.
I would scroll my timeline in a hope of finding
Your, as ever kind and such a familiar face.
I never went paragliding,
But I could imagine the feeling’s the same
as when I look at you, and your voice
Would as usual make me feel whole.
I have lately been hearing this dull monotonous noise
Making its way through the cemented wall
I have erected for my emotional safety,
To avoid the risk of falling for you once more.
I gathered all of my feelings and ate them,
Like I already had done once before.
december, 2018
DECEMBER
