2019
this was the year of everything.
the best and the worst.
the social and the lonely.
the love and the heartbreak.
the accidental and the purposeful.
a very bipolar year.
but there was something extremely romantic about the constant instability.
the best and the worst.
the social and the lonely.
the love and the heartbreak.
the accidental and the purposeful.
a very bipolar year.
but there was something extremely romantic about the constant instability.
not quite what i expected
You are an extra ray of sunshine in my life,
You are a Red bull to my sleepy tired muse,
Restoring vital energy inside
Of my destroyed embodiment of youth.
It’s been so long since I could feel the rain
This gently fall all over my exhausted face.
You were a Band-Aid to my chronic pain,
A leader through an endless maze.
We said ‘goodbye’ a week ago last night,
With warmest hug and softest ever kisses.
I swear, the moon was never just as bright,
As when my heart split into tiny pieces.
Remember me, like I am of importance,
As though you would someday turn blind.
While strolling down the streets of Florence,
I’d really want to be on someone’s mind.
You are a Red bull to my sleepy tired muse,
Restoring vital energy inside
Of my destroyed embodiment of youth.
It’s been so long since I could feel the rain
This gently fall all over my exhausted face.
You were a Band-Aid to my chronic pain,
A leader through an endless maze.
We said ‘goodbye’ a week ago last night,
With warmest hug and softest ever kisses.
I swear, the moon was never just as bright,
As when my heart split into tiny pieces.
Remember me, like I am of importance,
As though you would someday turn blind.
While strolling down the streets of Florence,
I’d really want to be on someone’s mind.
january, 2019
JANUARY
The landscape merges with the skies
As twilight falls before the eyes,
Most beautiful of Tuscan views —
A romance of the sunset hues.
Such pure beauty, pinks and blues –
I wish I could just share with you
Distinctive quirks of my perception,
Each smallest thing with no exception.
The sun’s already setting low...
And I, the loneliest of souls,
Am missing you bit more than ever,
While knowing, you are gone forever.
As twilight falls before the eyes,
Most beautiful of Tuscan views —
A romance of the sunset hues.
Such pure beauty, pinks and blues –
I wish I could just share with you
Distinctive quirks of my perception,
Each smallest thing with no exception.
The sun’s already setting low...
And I, the loneliest of souls,
Am missing you bit more than ever,
While knowing, you are gone forever.
january, 2019
When I am far, I have no trouble
Replacing memories of you
With the insane, unreal amounts
Of stouts, pilsners, filtered brews.
When you are gone, I have no problem
Forgetting all about your smile…
A couple shots, another cocktail,
A few gin-tonics, bottled wine.
No, I am not an alcoholic,
I am just trying to supress
This unexplainable emotion,
To fit my very slutty dress.
And, trust me, I am doing great.
It’s just a little over midnight,
So, please, don’t tell me it’s too late
To start another bloody fistfight.
I am all good, I swear, I promise,
You don’t mean much to me at all.
I’m crawling home, I stink of vomit,
Walk up the stairs, trip and fall.
Oh, please, don’t tell me I am stupid,
That I’m just young, I don’t know love,
Coz drunk and selfish psycho cupid
Did shoot my troubled teenage heart.
And now I’m struggling to function
Without downing one or two,
One thought: if I had stayed in Russia,
I would have never met with you.
Replacing memories of you
With the insane, unreal amounts
Of stouts, pilsners, filtered brews.
When you are gone, I have no problem
Forgetting all about your smile…
A couple shots, another cocktail,
A few gin-tonics, bottled wine.
No, I am not an alcoholic,
I am just trying to supress
This unexplainable emotion,
To fit my very slutty dress.
And, trust me, I am doing great.
It’s just a little over midnight,
So, please, don’t tell me it’s too late
To start another bloody fistfight.
I am all good, I swear, I promise,
You don’t mean much to me at all.
I’m crawling home, I stink of vomit,
Walk up the stairs, trip and fall.
Oh, please, don’t tell me I am stupid,
That I’m just young, I don’t know love,
Coz drunk and selfish psycho cupid
Did shoot my troubled teenage heart.
And now I’m struggling to function
Without downing one or two,
One thought: if I had stayed in Russia,
I would have never met with you.
january, 2019
Lit up in neon of the light
The silence of the spinning wheels
Was leading us into the night
Over the borders, through the fields.
And tired faces of the four
Were staring into dirty windows.
Feels like we’ve done it all before,
Escaped the maze, solved every riddle.
Derive the conscious from unreal,
Forget the sun and kiss the moon,
And in the land of broken mirrors
Unleash the winds, embrace typhoons.
We pass below the mountain peaks,
Just by the frozen vineyard grounds,
Despite the frost and through the mist
We looked for what’s before been found.
The howling wind was blowing strong
Into our backs, as we were headed
In the direction of unknown,
While our pasts have slowly faded.
Forgiven lovers and forgotten sins -
We leave behind, as we are growing.
And with the silent spinning wheels,
It’s far away where we are going.
The silence of the spinning wheels
Was leading us into the night
Over the borders, through the fields.
And tired faces of the four
Were staring into dirty windows.
Feels like we’ve done it all before,
Escaped the maze, solved every riddle.
Derive the conscious from unreal,
Forget the sun and kiss the moon,
And in the land of broken mirrors
Unleash the winds, embrace typhoons.
We pass below the mountain peaks,
Just by the frozen vineyard grounds,
Despite the frost and through the mist
We looked for what’s before been found.
The howling wind was blowing strong
Into our backs, as we were headed
In the direction of unknown,
While our pasts have slowly faded.
Forgiven lovers and forgotten sins -
We leave behind, as we are growing.
And with the silent spinning wheels,
It’s far away where we are going.
january, 2019
Forever lost in what I deemed to be my own craziness,
I have gotten tired of being depressed.
You matter to me, but not any more or any less,
I have given my heart time to rest.
You told me your life was this beautiful exciting mess,
And I was preoccupied with the idea for a little too long.
Now, I guess, it is time to tell, or, rather, confess:
I loved you since we had met, and I never thought it was wrong.
And I knew it was love, and not some teenage torture,
Because every time I saw you, my stomach would twist,
Like a wet towel, letting go of the excess moisture.
Now I can check that off the list.
And I’d never had any courage to tell.
You were so distant, when really, I needed you close.
I guess, that made every minute apart feel like hell,
But it’s seconds together I valued the most.
But the last thing I want is for you to think
My loving you is any and/or if at all your fault,
It is solely mine, and my Titanic that has to sink,
For me to somehow remain afloat.
I have gotten tired of being depressed,
Because there was no clear cause I could point at.
I just wanted you slightly closer than in Budapest,
I just wanted to not be forgotten.
I have gotten tired of being depressed.
You matter to me, but not any more or any less,
I have given my heart time to rest.
You told me your life was this beautiful exciting mess,
And I was preoccupied with the idea for a little too long.
Now, I guess, it is time to tell, or, rather, confess:
I loved you since we had met, and I never thought it was wrong.
And I knew it was love, and not some teenage torture,
Because every time I saw you, my stomach would twist,
Like a wet towel, letting go of the excess moisture.
Now I can check that off the list.
And I’d never had any courage to tell.
You were so distant, when really, I needed you close.
I guess, that made every minute apart feel like hell,
But it’s seconds together I valued the most.
But the last thing I want is for you to think
My loving you is any and/or if at all your fault,
It is solely mine, and my Titanic that has to sink,
For me to somehow remain afloat.
I have gotten tired of being depressed,
Because there was no clear cause I could point at.
I just wanted you slightly closer than in Budapest,
I just wanted to not be forgotten.
january, 2019
Arms wrapped around your skinny waist,
We’re dancing to a random tune.
I do not have much time to waste,
But it’s not wasted when with you.
I’d give up anything I own
For just another couple hours,
Because you really smell like home,
Because you smell like summer flowers.
Arms wrapped so gently ‘round my neck,
We’re cheek to cheek, like in that song.
I am (oh no) a nervous wreck.
You are (oh well) where I belong.
I’d miss my flight tomorrow morning,
If you commanded me to stay.
I can’t explain my weird longing
For this absurd to stay the same.
I can’t explain, and you can’t either,
This isn’t friendship, nor romance.
One day I’ll wake up a believer,
And it will all one day make sense.
We’re dancing to a random tune.
I do not have much time to waste,
But it’s not wasted when with you.
I’d give up anything I own
For just another couple hours,
Because you really smell like home,
Because you smell like summer flowers.
Arms wrapped so gently ‘round my neck,
We’re cheek to cheek, like in that song.
I am (oh no) a nervous wreck.
You are (oh well) where I belong.
I’d miss my flight tomorrow morning,
If you commanded me to stay.
I can’t explain my weird longing
For this absurd to stay the same.
I can’t explain, and you can’t either,
This isn’t friendship, nor romance.
One day I’ll wake up a believer,
And it will all one day make sense.
january, 2019
march, 2019
MARCH
I got nothing to wake up to, so I’m
Pushing my alarm by yet another hour.
I’m done with trying to get out of bed.
This autumn took the best of me and
Drowned it in the puddle.
It’s better for the others if I’m dead.
I never cared for the opinions of others,
This time, however, I have failed myself,
I feel the guilt so softly squeeze my throat.
I’s thinking that today I’d buy some flowers.
Alarm clock buzzing on the wooden shelf
Kept loudly reminding me to stay afloat.
I wasn’t strong for me, the only human,
Who I’m supposed to care for the most.
Tobacco packs all over bedroom floor...
This strong and independent woman
Has been for long depressed and lost,
Yet full of hope and knocking on your door.
Pushing my alarm by yet another hour.
I’m done with trying to get out of bed.
This autumn took the best of me and
Drowned it in the puddle.
It’s better for the others if I’m dead.
I never cared for the opinions of others,
This time, however, I have failed myself,
I feel the guilt so softly squeeze my throat.
I’s thinking that today I’d buy some flowers.
Alarm clock buzzing on the wooden shelf
Kept loudly reminding me to stay afloat.
I wasn’t strong for me, the only human,
Who I’m supposed to care for the most.
Tobacco packs all over bedroom floor...
This strong and independent woman
Has been for long depressed and lost,
Yet full of hope and knocking on your door.
march, 2019
march, 2019
Remember, please, how we were happy,
Without everyone around,
How I was swimming in your eyes,
So deep I genuinely drowned.
With you I’m walking on thin ice,
Because our bond’s indeed quite fragile,
One day it feels like paradise,
The rest of days it’s like dark magic.
You’re far away for long enough
For me to reach with finger tips;
I wrote another paragraph
On my reclaimed internal bliss.
I wouldn’t dare to ever promise,
I’d ever fall out of this love,
I’m hot and cold, like snow in furnace,
By now I should have had enough.
I would have loved for you to be
A little closer than you are,
It’s been this long, now I believe
That side by side is still too far.
I really hope you’d understand,
It’s not my fault we failed to work,
It’s not yours either, but I hate
That now my heart is on your fork.
Without everyone around,
How I was swimming in your eyes,
So deep I genuinely drowned.
With you I’m walking on thin ice,
Because our bond’s indeed quite fragile,
One day it feels like paradise,
The rest of days it’s like dark magic.
You’re far away for long enough
For me to reach with finger tips;
I wrote another paragraph
On my reclaimed internal bliss.
I wouldn’t dare to ever promise,
I’d ever fall out of this love,
I’m hot and cold, like snow in furnace,
By now I should have had enough.
I would have loved for you to be
A little closer than you are,
It’s been this long, now I believe
That side by side is still too far.
I really hope you’d understand,
It’s not my fault we failed to work,
It’s not yours either, but I hate
That now my heart is on your fork.
march, 2019
I’m tired of writing all these words
To those, who will not ever read them,
I’m done composing rhymes for those,
Who do not share as strong a feeling.
Forgive my bluntness, I’m a mess,
I’m done with this poetic torture.
The feelings I am to suppress
Have always been and will be for her.
My tired hand is scratching paper
With ball-point cheap-ass plastic pen.
And I can’t help but wonder whether
My life is better now than then.
I am no Shakespeare, I am no one,
I am outside of every food-chain,
My life is a computer programme,
I wave white flag while drowning. Mayday!
My rhymes will reach their rightful owner,
Once I’ve restored my former courage.
And since you are no longer bothered -
I shall unchain my inner savage.
And I should probably forget the times
You made me love you. If I’m honest,
You made me happy that I was alive,
While I myself did not. And, first and foremost,
I now have taught myself to love my body,
Because I figured, if I did,
I would be able to adore somebody
Enough to keep my will to live.
To those, who will not ever read them,
I’m done composing rhymes for those,
Who do not share as strong a feeling.
Forgive my bluntness, I’m a mess,
I’m done with this poetic torture.
The feelings I am to suppress
Have always been and will be for her.
My tired hand is scratching paper
With ball-point cheap-ass plastic pen.
And I can’t help but wonder whether
My life is better now than then.
I am no Shakespeare, I am no one,
I am outside of every food-chain,
My life is a computer programme,
I wave white flag while drowning. Mayday!
My rhymes will reach their rightful owner,
Once I’ve restored my former courage.
And since you are no longer bothered -
I shall unchain my inner savage.
And I should probably forget the times
You made me love you. If I’m honest,
You made me happy that I was alive,
While I myself did not. And, first and foremost,
I now have taught myself to love my body,
Because I figured, if I did,
I would be able to adore somebody
Enough to keep my will to live.
april, 2019
APRIL
This place has drained me of creative juices,
I am no longer who I used to love.
I am surrounded by nerds and losers,
I fill my life with alcohol and other useless stuff.
I understand, that if I’m ever back
With people, I still hold so dear,
They’d notice how I am in lack
Of former happiness, replaced with fear.
There’s no excuse, this city changed me,
I’m someone I had never known,
My inner self remembers vaguely
What it was like to be my own.
My daily life is no adventure:
With curiosity long gone,
My interest in the crazy ventures
Has left my restless soul alone.
“It’s not the city that’s at fault,
You should have made the change yourself!”
But I can’t breathe between these walls,
I suffocated my so hopeful younger self.
If I was ever happy – I can’t tell.
The happiness is fleeting and so mortal.
But I have been forgetting this so well
While staying on my sofa, horizontal.
I am no longer who I used to love.
I am surrounded by nerds and losers,
I fill my life with alcohol and other useless stuff.
I understand, that if I’m ever back
With people, I still hold so dear,
They’d notice how I am in lack
Of former happiness, replaced with fear.
There’s no excuse, this city changed me,
I’m someone I had never known,
My inner self remembers vaguely
What it was like to be my own.
My daily life is no adventure:
With curiosity long gone,
My interest in the crazy ventures
Has left my restless soul alone.
“It’s not the city that’s at fault,
You should have made the change yourself!”
But I can’t breathe between these walls,
I suffocated my so hopeful younger self.
If I was ever happy – I can’t tell.
The happiness is fleeting and so mortal.
But I have been forgetting this so well
While staying on my sofa, horizontal.
april, 2019
I’m disappointed in
Your actions, clearly
My well of thought is drained of inspiration,
I cannot rhyme, I cannot think,
But really
It happened to your own damnation.
And not a single poem more
I’d dedicate to you,
my dear,
Not that it mattered much before,
But now I know this
wasn’t real.
You are no longer in my life,
Or so you’ve chosen.
I’m in no way opposing anymore.
Run, run for cover,
Doors are closing.
I’m lying flat on wooden floor.
And please, take back
All that you came with.
Take back my memories, your lies.
I hope it’s clear
Without me saying –
Don’t even bother with goodbyes.
Your actions, clearly
My well of thought is drained of inspiration,
I cannot rhyme, I cannot think,
But really
It happened to your own damnation.
And not a single poem more
I’d dedicate to you,
my dear,
Not that it mattered much before,
But now I know this
wasn’t real.
You are no longer in my life,
Or so you’ve chosen.
I’m in no way opposing anymore.
Run, run for cover,
Doors are closing.
I’m lying flat on wooden floor.
And please, take back
All that you came with.
Take back my memories, your lies.
I hope it’s clear
Without me saying –
Don’t even bother with goodbyes.
april, 2019
I’m tired of writing all these words
To those, who will not ever read them,
I’m done composing rhymes for those,
Who do not share as strong a feeling.
Forgive my bluntness, I’m a mess,
I’m done with this poetic torture.
The feelings I am to suppress
Have always been and will be for her.
My tired hand is scratching paper
With ball-point cheap-ass plastic pen.
And I can’t help but wonder whether
My life is better now than then.
I am no Shakespeare, I am no one,
I am outside of every food-chain,
My life is a computer programme,
I wave white flag while drowning. Mayday!
My rhymes will reach their rightful owner,
Once I’ve restored my former courage.
And since you are no longer bothered -
I shall unchain my inner savage.
And I should probably forget the times
You made me love you. If I’m honest,
You made me happy that I was alive,
While I myself did not. And, first and foremost,
I now have taught myself to love my body,
Because I figured, if I did,
I would be able to adore somebody
Enough to keep my will to live.
To those, who will not ever read them,
I’m done composing rhymes for those,
Who do not share as strong a feeling.
Forgive my bluntness, I’m a mess,
I’m done with this poetic torture.
The feelings I am to suppress
Have always been and will be for her.
My tired hand is scratching paper
With ball-point cheap-ass plastic pen.
And I can’t help but wonder whether
My life is better now than then.
I am no Shakespeare, I am no one,
I am outside of every food-chain,
My life is a computer programme,
I wave white flag while drowning. Mayday!
My rhymes will reach their rightful owner,
Once I’ve restored my former courage.
And since you are no longer bothered -
I shall unchain my inner savage.
And I should probably forget the times
You made me love you. If I’m honest,
You made me happy that I was alive,
While I myself did not. And, first and foremost,
I now have taught myself to love my body,
Because I figured, if I did,
I would be able to adore somebody
Enough to keep my will to live.
may, 2019
MAY
This place has drained me of creative juices,
I am no longer who I used to love.
I am surrounded by nerds and losers,
I fill my life with alcohol and other useless stuff.
I understand, that if I’m ever back
With people, I still hold so dear,
They’d notice how I am in lack
Of former happiness, replaced with fear.
There’s no excuse, this city changed me,
I’m someone I had never known,
My inner self remembers vaguely
What it was like to be my own.
My daily life is no adventure:
With curiosity long gone,
My interest in the crazy ventures
Has left my restless soul alone.
“It’s not the city that’s at fault,
You should have made the change yourself!”
But I can’t breathe between these walls,
I suffocated my so hopeful younger self.
If I was ever happy – I can’t tell.
The happiness is fleeting and so mortal.
But I have been forgetting this so well
While staying on my sofa, horizontal.
I am no longer who I used to love.
I am surrounded by nerds and losers,
I fill my life with alcohol and other useless stuff.
I understand, that if I’m ever back
With people, I still hold so dear,
They’d notice how I am in lack
Of former happiness, replaced with fear.
There’s no excuse, this city changed me,
I’m someone I had never known,
My inner self remembers vaguely
What it was like to be my own.
My daily life is no adventure:
With curiosity long gone,
My interest in the crazy ventures
Has left my restless soul alone.
“It’s not the city that’s at fault,
You should have made the change yourself!”
But I can’t breathe between these walls,
I suffocated my so hopeful younger self.
If I was ever happy – I can’t tell.
The happiness is fleeting and so mortal.
But I have been forgetting this so well
While staying on my sofa, horizontal.
may, 2019
Unaccounted for, I was wandering around
The places, to me unknown.
In thorough search for middle ground,
I have, undoubtedly, outgrown
My formerly such solid vision
Of what my life’s supposed to be.
Instead of planning with precision,
I let the wildest happenings roam free.
And frankly, planning never works,
And never leaves my soul at ease.
My plans collapse, and bunch of jerks
Would hurt me deep down to my feels.
And I have taught myself to settle,
When life takes unexpected turn.
Awaiting times when it’d get better,
I go to sleep. I never learn
From my mistakes and former problems,
I let them slide, like nothing happened.
But with another unkept promise
Permission to lose mind is granted.
Anxiety has flourished, while I fed it
With most nutritious wild thoughts.
When it gets bad, I fucking love that
I can go wander, unaccounted for.
The places, to me unknown.
In thorough search for middle ground,
I have, undoubtedly, outgrown
My formerly such solid vision
Of what my life’s supposed to be.
Instead of planning with precision,
I let the wildest happenings roam free.
And frankly, planning never works,
And never leaves my soul at ease.
My plans collapse, and bunch of jerks
Would hurt me deep down to my feels.
And I have taught myself to settle,
When life takes unexpected turn.
Awaiting times when it’d get better,
I go to sleep. I never learn
From my mistakes and former problems,
I let them slide, like nothing happened.
But with another unkept promise
Permission to lose mind is granted.
Anxiety has flourished, while I fed it
With most nutritious wild thoughts.
When it gets bad, I fucking love that
I can go wander, unaccounted for.
may, 2019
I’m currently en route with someone different.
By different I just mean they are not you.
Must say, it really isn’t frequent
For me to even have to choose.
Of all the things that didn’t happen,
You surely have a special place.
But don’t you leave me feeling bad when
I am my future to embrace.
I am in love with you no longer,
My body will forget you soon enough.
You’re gone, and now I’m also sober,
Which I could not be for a month.
I met somebody else. Bear with me,
They triggered something that’s within.
I am not sorry, but forgive me —
It’s time I let somebody in.
After you’ve left, I had nobody,
Whom I could trust my bare self.
This loveless lifeless broken body
Is now nineteen, no longer twelve.
And now that I am feeling something
(I don’t know what, but I’ll find out),
I want to skip and jump ‘round laughing,
While learning how to live without.
By different I just mean they are not you.
Must say, it really isn’t frequent
For me to even have to choose.
Of all the things that didn’t happen,
You surely have a special place.
But don’t you leave me feeling bad when
I am my future to embrace.
I am in love with you no longer,
My body will forget you soon enough.
You’re gone, and now I’m also sober,
Which I could not be for a month.
I met somebody else. Bear with me,
They triggered something that’s within.
I am not sorry, but forgive me —
It’s time I let somebody in.
After you’ve left, I had nobody,
Whom I could trust my bare self.
This loveless lifeless broken body
Is now nineteen, no longer twelve.
And now that I am feeling something
(I don’t know what, but I’ll find out),
I want to skip and jump ‘round laughing,
While learning how to live without.
may, 2019
Preoccupied with my self-analysis,
I have projected my thoughts onto the other folks.
I started to understand, what madness is,
And how long I have been a mad one for.
This time around I didn’t know what’s true, what’s not,
I just assumed the wheel of fortune
Will bring back those whom I forgot,
And help those I have blindly tortured.
I have restricted myself from feeling anything
That was similar to affection, even remotely.
I have one thing to inquire: please, burry me.
I have one thing to ask: please, hold me.
The good, the bad are just no longer relevant,
I’m neither, and both, and beyond, I’d assume;
Missing courage to address the elephant
In my messy, dull student room.
Hold on, wait a minute, can I explain?
You might just need time to digest…
I fell in love with you,
So did the rest of Budapest.
I have projected my thoughts onto the other folks.
I started to understand, what madness is,
And how long I have been a mad one for.
This time around I didn’t know what’s true, what’s not,
I just assumed the wheel of fortune
Will bring back those whom I forgot,
And help those I have blindly tortured.
I have restricted myself from feeling anything
That was similar to affection, even remotely.
I have one thing to inquire: please, burry me.
I have one thing to ask: please, hold me.
The good, the bad are just no longer relevant,
I’m neither, and both, and beyond, I’d assume;
Missing courage to address the elephant
In my messy, dull student room.
Hold on, wait a minute, can I explain?
You might just need time to digest…
I fell in love with you,
So did the rest of Budapest.
may, 2019
I don’t know if what I did was right.
I have given up on logic and on common sense.
I seriously thought I’d be alright,
When taking down my shaky rotten fence.
I can’t give up a wild idea:
What if? and if, then what is next?
Throwback to when she called me ‘dear’...
Now I am just one of the rest.
While moving on is rather scary,
I can already feel at ease,
Because this time I will be very
Determined to preserve my peace.
I know you will remember sometime,
Who I have been while by your side,
Because I have committed war-crime:
I’ve let my love and life collide.
And while I’m at it, I am thrilled
To let you in on my transgressions:
I’ve never known someone like him,
He really made quite an impression.
I have given up on logic and on common sense.
I seriously thought I’d be alright,
When taking down my shaky rotten fence.
I can’t give up a wild idea:
What if? and if, then what is next?
Throwback to when she called me ‘dear’...
Now I am just one of the rest.
While moving on is rather scary,
I can already feel at ease,
Because this time I will be very
Determined to preserve my peace.
I know you will remember sometime,
Who I have been while by your side,
Because I have committed war-crime:
I’ve let my love and life collide.
And while I’m at it, I am thrilled
To let you in on my transgressions:
I’ve never known someone like him,
He really made quite an impression.
june, 2019
JUNE
Charmers like you inspire people:
All poetry, all prose, all arts —
Creations of the lost and crippled
Sad individuals with broken hearts.
I am, for one, a lame romantic,
I give my all, want nothing back.
One might think this is problematic -
My love life is, in fact, jet black.
I jump from one thing to another,
From one extreme end to the next.
A lonely soul, a useless lover -
I blend in nicely with the rest.
My body lays between the sheets
Alone and lonely in my bed...
Come save me, darling, by all means,
I’d rather be with you than dead.
All poetry, all prose, all arts —
Creations of the lost and crippled
Sad individuals with broken hearts.
I am, for one, a lame romantic,
I give my all, want nothing back.
One might think this is problematic -
My love life is, in fact, jet black.
I jump from one thing to another,
From one extreme end to the next.
A lonely soul, a useless lover -
I blend in nicely with the rest.
My body lays between the sheets
Alone and lonely in my bed...
Come save me, darling, by all means,
I’d rather be with you than dead.
june, 2019
I imagine one day you’d be sitting down
At some cafe, or even a pub,
Cup of coffee in hand or a pint -
Doesn’t matter that much at all.
You’ll be reading a book you just got in your mail,
On the first pages next to my name
You will notice my little prayer
And a note dedicated to you.
In the first lines just next to a picture
We had taken few summers ago,
You will find my last words of wisdom –
a reminder to never love.
I am sorry for making you read this,
But I wrote it for me to let go
Of the things that I kept in my head for too long,
Of the feelings I’ve never shown.
At some cafe, or even a pub,
Cup of coffee in hand or a pint -
Doesn’t matter that much at all.
You’ll be reading a book you just got in your mail,
On the first pages next to my name
You will notice my little prayer
And a note dedicated to you.
In the first lines just next to a picture
We had taken few summers ago,
You will find my last words of wisdom –
a reminder to never love.
I am sorry for making you read this,
But I wrote it for me to let go
Of the things that I kept in my head for too long,
Of the feelings I’ve never shown.
june 2019
Someday I will stop feeling out of place,
Someday I will discover my desired home,
This once, despite the time and space
I would no longer feel alone.
Someday I will be sipping coffee,
Slim menthol cigarette in hand.
You will no longer be my trophy,
You will no longer have a stand.
Someday I won’t be chasing after
A senseless dream of my blind mind.
Someday I won’t be needing laughter
To keep the people by my side.
Someday I’m sure all will happen,
Someday I will be broken free.
And my unvacuumed grey apartment
Will be a better place to be.
Someday I will discover my desired home,
This once, despite the time and space
I would no longer feel alone.
Someday I will be sipping coffee,
Slim menthol cigarette in hand.
You will no longer be my trophy,
You will no longer have a stand.
Someday I won’t be chasing after
A senseless dream of my blind mind.
Someday I won’t be needing laughter
To keep the people by my side.
Someday I’m sure all will happen,
Someday I will be broken free.
And my unvacuumed grey apartment
Will be a better place to be.
june, 2019
Recurring nightmare of my stolen youth:
I’m too mature for my age, though childishly naïve and stupid.
I thought as much: my ugly truth.
I don’t believe in fate, but life’s on the loop, and
I forgot what it felt like to lose,
As winning brought about as much excitement on my face
As I would have teaching a bunch of fools
To respect my personal space.
Some people played the role, of course,
I turned out great, in my opinion,
Except I guess somehow my life’s been cursed
Because it’s headed to oblivion.
I am just going with the flow and that’s the problem,
Believe me, when I tell you, I’m depressed.
Believe me, when I tell you I am over
The constant competition with the rest.
I am just waiting for the time and place,
Where one will not be moved by money, fame and glory.
I want to make enough to stay myself,
While have enough to never worry.
I’ve come across the people so like minded,
I struggle to hold in all of my love.
A thought which always leaves me frightened:
I’m scared I’ll never be enough.
And I am here, messed up, bipolar,
In conflict with myself and my own mind.
I’d never want this to be over,
But I’m in doubt I am alright.
I’m too mature for my age, though childishly naïve and stupid.
I thought as much: my ugly truth.
I don’t believe in fate, but life’s on the loop, and
I forgot what it felt like to lose,
As winning brought about as much excitement on my face
As I would have teaching a bunch of fools
To respect my personal space.
Some people played the role, of course,
I turned out great, in my opinion,
Except I guess somehow my life’s been cursed
Because it’s headed to oblivion.
I am just going with the flow and that’s the problem,
Believe me, when I tell you, I’m depressed.
Believe me, when I tell you I am over
The constant competition with the rest.
I am just waiting for the time and place,
Where one will not be moved by money, fame and glory.
I want to make enough to stay myself,
While have enough to never worry.
I’ve come across the people so like minded,
I struggle to hold in all of my love.
A thought which always leaves me frightened:
I’m scared I’ll never be enough.
And I am here, messed up, bipolar,
In conflict with myself and my own mind.
I’d never want this to be over,
But I’m in doubt I am alright.
july, 2019
JULY
And I should let you go.
For myself, to finally feel at peace.
Because I don’t mean anything to you,
Not any more, at least.
In all honesty, whatever it was,
I forgive you
For becoming important, and
For being someone, I had lost.
I chase in your footsteps,
I tie all the loose ends,
I feel safe to confide in you.
I admire your lifestyle,
Control my disasters,
And all my mistakes I see through.
I’ve reached out for mercy,
I’ve found your arms cosy,
But again, it is I who’s the fool.
I’m done and I’m sorry,
But this is my story,
And I want to someday live my truth.
For myself, to finally feel at peace.
Because I don’t mean anything to you,
Not any more, at least.
In all honesty, whatever it was,
I forgive you
For becoming important, and
For being someone, I had lost.
I chase in your footsteps,
I tie all the loose ends,
I feel safe to confide in you.
I admire your lifestyle,
Control my disasters,
And all my mistakes I see through.
I’ve reached out for mercy,
I’ve found your arms cosy,
But again, it is I who’s the fool.
I’m done and I’m sorry,
But this is my story,
And I want to someday live my truth.
july, 2019
I take precautions meeting people,
Because I failed too many times:
I’ve fallen for the pretty strangers,
I’ve written quite a few poor rhymes.
Beware, a hopeless lame romantic
Tonight’s in town on a hunt.
Please tell me, if it’s problematic,
Sometimes I come across too blunt.
And I can cross my heart and say,
That I do mean no harm at all.
I have been hurt in many ways,
I’m scared to face another fall.
Not one photographer could capture
How truly beautiful she is.
Perfection of an antique sculpture,
The feeling of an ocean breeze.
Oh, darling, I am not a liar,
So, please, don’t tell me I’m am wrong
Because you set my world on fire,
Because you are where I belong.
Before we vanish, let me say that
Your deep as ocean grass-green eyes
By far, I’m certain, are my favourite,
Though somehow always look surprised.
Because I failed too many times:
I’ve fallen for the pretty strangers,
I’ve written quite a few poor rhymes.
Beware, a hopeless lame romantic
Tonight’s in town on a hunt.
Please tell me, if it’s problematic,
Sometimes I come across too blunt.
And I can cross my heart and say,
That I do mean no harm at all.
I have been hurt in many ways,
I’m scared to face another fall.
Not one photographer could capture
How truly beautiful she is.
Perfection of an antique sculpture,
The feeling of an ocean breeze.
Oh, darling, I am not a liar,
So, please, don’t tell me I’m am wrong
Because you set my world on fire,
Because you are where I belong.
Before we vanish, let me say that
Your deep as ocean grass-green eyes
By far, I’m certain, are my favourite,
Though somehow always look surprised.
july, 2019
You don’t go fight for one’s rights,
Unless you’re the one being oppressed.
That’s the sad nature of human kind:
We abandon our principles so long we don’t face the humiliation,
Leaving behind the humanity.
You don’t really ever feel alive,
When you’re severely depressed.
I normally wouldn’t mind,
But the only time in your life you had made a donation
Was for your own vanity.
And while I am wasting my time,
You take your time to digest.
Maybe I’m colour-blind,
But it is not your blood on the flag of my nation,
You’re a mere defect of reality.
Unless you’re the one being oppressed.
That’s the sad nature of human kind:
We abandon our principles so long we don’t face the humiliation,
Leaving behind the humanity.
You don’t really ever feel alive,
When you’re severely depressed.
I normally wouldn’t mind,
But the only time in your life you had made a donation
Was for your own vanity.
And while I am wasting my time,
You take your time to digest.
Maybe I’m colour-blind,
But it is not your blood on the flag of my nation,
You’re a mere defect of reality.
august, 2019
AUGUST
Two years ago,
you were as unfamiliar to me
as this city is now.
I wouldn’t know if it was beneficial for me to have moved,
without fully understanding who I am.
I am all alone,
and my parents are fuming,
over what I have done.
I remember the drugs and the people I have used,
but I am endlessly grateful for them.
I was trying, perhaps,
too hard, to pretend it was all
games and fun.
I guess sometimes I have been deliberately obtuse,
But right now I don’t give a damn.
you were as unfamiliar to me
as this city is now.
I wouldn’t know if it was beneficial for me to have moved,
without fully understanding who I am.
I am all alone,
and my parents are fuming,
over what I have done.
I remember the drugs and the people I have used,
but I am endlessly grateful for them.
I was trying, perhaps,
too hard, to pretend it was all
games and fun.
I guess sometimes I have been deliberately obtuse,
But right now I don’t give a damn.
august, 2019
I give away too much of my own freedom.
To whom, you may ask? I don’t really know.
But in my fairy tale, I do not rule a kingdom,
I‘m somewhere on the outlines, going with the flow.
The magic happens, just to other people.
I‘m not complaining, but I’d really want
To feel it once, for just a little –
I am not asking for a lot.
I cherish social interaction,
I love the people by my side,
But they’ve become quite a distraction,
From what I really want in life.
My tired inner Sleeping Beauty
Woke up this morning by herself,
Before myself I have a duty –
My Cinderella’s home by 12.
At this point I ran out of favours,
A princess no longer at 12 o’clock.
I write poems on cigarette papers:
There’s a reason all artists die broke.
There was time, I was torn into pieces,
There was time, I burnt down to the ashes…
My life’s broken for multiple reasons,
None of which were a statement of fashion.
I speak in metaphors of children’s stories,
Because my own seems to have lost its plot.
I’d usually pretend I have no worries,
But just this once I seem to have a lot:
I worry for myself, a tiny human,
Who used to never have a care in her life,
Until I fell in love with only woman,
Who carried ‘round not flowers, but a knife.
I don’t need saving, saving’s for the weak.
I am a strong and independent swimmer.
Alas, looks like I’ll spend this week
Just by myself, between the pillows.
To whom, you may ask? I don’t really know.
But in my fairy tale, I do not rule a kingdom,
I‘m somewhere on the outlines, going with the flow.
The magic happens, just to other people.
I‘m not complaining, but I’d really want
To feel it once, for just a little –
I am not asking for a lot.
I cherish social interaction,
I love the people by my side,
But they’ve become quite a distraction,
From what I really want in life.
My tired inner Sleeping Beauty
Woke up this morning by herself,
Before myself I have a duty –
My Cinderella’s home by 12.
At this point I ran out of favours,
A princess no longer at 12 o’clock.
I write poems on cigarette papers:
There’s a reason all artists die broke.
There was time, I was torn into pieces,
There was time, I burnt down to the ashes…
My life’s broken for multiple reasons,
None of which were a statement of fashion.
I speak in metaphors of children’s stories,
Because my own seems to have lost its plot.
I’d usually pretend I have no worries,
But just this once I seem to have a lot:
I worry for myself, a tiny human,
Who used to never have a care in her life,
Until I fell in love with only woman,
Who carried ‘round not flowers, but a knife.
I don’t need saving, saving’s for the weak.
I am a strong and independent swimmer.
Alas, looks like I’ll spend this week
Just by myself, between the pillows.
september, 2019
SEPTEMBER
My tiny world revolves around one problem –
I’m having trouble letting myself love.
I dare to dream a world if I am gone, but
I’m not yet sure that I’ve seen enough.
I meet the people, who then join my journey
I never really invite them to.
I am an author of somebody else’s story,
Whereas my story only featured you.
Who are you, oh my precious stranger,
Reveal yourself before my eyes.
It’s tiring, the only danger –
I got mixed up in my own lies.
Reflecting on the past is boring,
It happened, but I’m still alive –
And knowing that you write my story,
I think that I will be alright.
Come down, most beautiful of angels,
Just let me hold you in my arms,
I’m done feeling alone amongst the strangers.
My only enemy these days is my alarm.
I’m having trouble letting myself love.
I dare to dream a world if I am gone, but
I’m not yet sure that I’ve seen enough.
I meet the people, who then join my journey
I never really invite them to.
I am an author of somebody else’s story,
Whereas my story only featured you.
Who are you, oh my precious stranger,
Reveal yourself before my eyes.
It’s tiring, the only danger –
I got mixed up in my own lies.
Reflecting on the past is boring,
It happened, but I’m still alive –
And knowing that you write my story,
I think that I will be alright.
Come down, most beautiful of angels,
Just let me hold you in my arms,
I’m done feeling alone amongst the strangers.
My only enemy these days is my alarm.
september, 2019
Sometimes people truly amaze me;
I’m generally not the one for expectations…
But it is funny – my own life embracing,
It is another kind of revelation.
I am for one a very lonely human,
It is frustrating to be solid on my own;
A strong and independent woman,
Yet almost doomed to be alone.
Hey, let’s assume you were somebody,
Who’s sweet and tender and your best,
You’re drowning – your whole world is flooding,
But she is lying there, undressed.
I mean, whatever, let’s forget
The way in which you used to kiss me;
I’m not the one to have regrets,
But I just hope that you still miss me.
I am right here, for your entertainment,
Enjoy the view, oh pretty stranger.
My self-esteem has slowly faded
As soon as I have sensed the danger.
If anything, I’m glad you’re here,
Allowing me to be myself.
By now I have embraced the fear
Of ever having lost my wealth.
You are a very abstract creature,
I have accepted that at last.
You were, however, my best teacher,
You have indeed defined my past.
I promised that I will be done
With writing you into my poems.
I’ve loved you loads, for once, for one.
I love you still, if I am honest.
It has been like about a year,
I’ve seen you once, and now forever.
I’d really rather have you near,
But you’re the one who pulled the lever.
Hey, honey, I’m indeed a mess,
Forgive my bluntness and frustration.
I know you’re gone, I’m in destress -
I still deserve a conversation.
I’m generally not the one for expectations…
But it is funny – my own life embracing,
It is another kind of revelation.
I am for one a very lonely human,
It is frustrating to be solid on my own;
A strong and independent woman,
Yet almost doomed to be alone.
Hey, let’s assume you were somebody,
Who’s sweet and tender and your best,
You’re drowning – your whole world is flooding,
But she is lying there, undressed.
I mean, whatever, let’s forget
The way in which you used to kiss me;
I’m not the one to have regrets,
But I just hope that you still miss me.
I am right here, for your entertainment,
Enjoy the view, oh pretty stranger.
My self-esteem has slowly faded
As soon as I have sensed the danger.
If anything, I’m glad you’re here,
Allowing me to be myself.
By now I have embraced the fear
Of ever having lost my wealth.
You are a very abstract creature,
I have accepted that at last.
You were, however, my best teacher,
You have indeed defined my past.
I promised that I will be done
With writing you into my poems.
I’ve loved you loads, for once, for one.
I love you still, if I am honest.
It has been like about a year,
I’ve seen you once, and now forever.
I’d really rather have you near,
But you’re the one who pulled the lever.
Hey, honey, I’m indeed a mess,
Forgive my bluntness and frustration.
I know you’re gone, I’m in destress -
I still deserve a conversation.
september, 2019
I’ve written just for you another poem.
Please let me know whatever do you think.
Please let me know if what we had is over,
Because I’d know I’m dreaming if I blink.
Another night I’ve wasted clearly broken,
Another day I’ve wasted really drunk.
But I pretend I do not have a problem,
Despite the fact that my Titanic’s sunk.
I do give up a lot of things I shouldn’t,
And do the things I really shouldn’t too.
Whatever this is – isn’t true, but
I never have enough of time with you.
My rhymes most times address somebody,
I rarely find an inspiration of my own.
The hurricane of feelings through my body
Destroyed whatever’s left of my backbone.
I have been left out in the cold few times too often,
By people I like to believe I loved,
But I just tend to be forgotten,
When someone better comes about.
Please let me know whatever do you think.
Please let me know if what we had is over,
Because I’d know I’m dreaming if I blink.
Another night I’ve wasted clearly broken,
Another day I’ve wasted really drunk.
But I pretend I do not have a problem,
Despite the fact that my Titanic’s sunk.
I do give up a lot of things I shouldn’t,
And do the things I really shouldn’t too.
Whatever this is – isn’t true, but
I never have enough of time with you.
My rhymes most times address somebody,
I rarely find an inspiration of my own.
The hurricane of feelings through my body
Destroyed whatever’s left of my backbone.
I have been left out in the cold few times too often,
By people I like to believe I loved,
But I just tend to be forgotten,
When someone better comes about.
september, 2019
And I enjoy the moment,
While it slips away.
Since no one knows how much
I wanted you to stay.
To my own disappointment,
You went your separate way.
I hear the stars colliding
Kilometres away.
While it slips away.
Since no one knows how much
I wanted you to stay.
To my own disappointment,
You went your separate way.
I hear the stars colliding
Kilometres away.
november, 2019
NOVEMBER
In times like these I understand religious people,
It’s so much easier to blame somebody else.
“It is God’s will, if I be crippled!!!”
They scream, while falling off a fence,
Which they themselves insisted they should climb.
“We both know, you’re a sitting duck,
Yet you get out of trouble every time.”
I guess, I just do not believe in luck,
So I sit patiently; judgemental of your crime,
I tell you I was right about it all –
This time around I think you will be fine,
Your fragile bones survive 2 meter fall.
But next time that you choose to climb a fence,
Remember all the pain you suffered.
I fell a lot myself. In my defence,
It’s times I didn’t fall that truly mattered.
The view up high is worth few broken bones,
I got so used to seeing far and wide,
I guess I didn’t notice things that were up close:
My problems didn’t ever try to hide.
I think I understand religious people,
Because at least they have their faith.
But I have nothing, well, a little,
And even that is free for all to take.
The only thing I treasured is a goner,
I’m done with climbing fences for a while.
I seriously wish that I was stronger,
But, see, the only thing I have is time.
I guess, I understand religious folk,
Because it’s easier to live when someone’s watching.
For most of it, my life feels like a joke,
When I’m not busy with soul-searching.
The need for meaning is the burden of the smart,
Philosophers, creatives and inventors…
I am for one, a sucker for the art,
And your art is my whole world’s very center.
Alas, the only show I can attend
Is my own “grand finale” off a fence.
I think this is in fact where I shall end,
And wait until the world starts making sense.
It’s so much easier to blame somebody else.
“It is God’s will, if I be crippled!!!”
They scream, while falling off a fence,
Which they themselves insisted they should climb.
“We both know, you’re a sitting duck,
Yet you get out of trouble every time.”
I guess, I just do not believe in luck,
So I sit patiently; judgemental of your crime,
I tell you I was right about it all –
This time around I think you will be fine,
Your fragile bones survive 2 meter fall.
But next time that you choose to climb a fence,
Remember all the pain you suffered.
I fell a lot myself. In my defence,
It’s times I didn’t fall that truly mattered.
The view up high is worth few broken bones,
I got so used to seeing far and wide,
I guess I didn’t notice things that were up close:
My problems didn’t ever try to hide.
I think I understand religious people,
Because at least they have their faith.
But I have nothing, well, a little,
And even that is free for all to take.
The only thing I treasured is a goner,
I’m done with climbing fences for a while.
I seriously wish that I was stronger,
But, see, the only thing I have is time.
I guess, I understand religious folk,
Because it’s easier to live when someone’s watching.
For most of it, my life feels like a joke,
When I’m not busy with soul-searching.
The need for meaning is the burden of the smart,
Philosophers, creatives and inventors…
I am for one, a sucker for the art,
And your art is my whole world’s very center.
Alas, the only show I can attend
Is my own “grand finale” off a fence.
I think this is in fact where I shall end,
And wait until the world starts making sense.
november, 2019
